Chosen

One of the most deeply held beliefs I have is that God, in his infinite love, chose me, before the creation of the world, to be his beloved daughter.

But I have questioned this choice over and over the last year. Not questioning God's saving grace. But questioning why...why me? Why any of us? And not just in terms of salvation. But why all together?

Why are some are chosen for greatness and some are chosen for great pain? Why are some chosen to live today....and others chosen to die? I have seen more suffering in the last year than in all my life. Has this been a hard year for everyone? Everywhere? It started with those around me, friends, dear friends. Hurting. Then, in May....it, this pain and hurt of living in a fallen world, entered my life like never before.

It is as if I had so flippantly accepted the eternal reality of the fact that some people go to heaven and some people to go hell. But I balk at the earthly way this plays out. As if I was ok with the concept of eternal suffering, but not today's suffering. Not that for some, life on earth IS hell. Is this making sense? I had never really thought about the suffering in hell, until I saw pain that I could not imagine here on earth. Why Lord? I'd always thought not to question the why's of salvation. But now I'm questioning not only that.....but the why's of the here and now.

Lord, help me to understand. And in my confusion, help me to seek your face. I pray that in the midst of this, I choose to love You, because You first loved me. That I submit to Your will because I know it is good.

Calendaring (kāl'ən-dər-ing)

Is that a word? I hope so, b/c I think it might be my special purpose. I spend (mmm....not feeling like I should tell you exactly how much time....that could be spent actually doing something instead of just planning for it) a lot of time looking at, updating, editing, and organizing my calendar. It's all electronic. Thank goodness b/c I hate my handwriting. I can add, edit, delete; parties, appointments, reminders...and it all looks so pretty! It's even color coded for different parts of life....home, work, etc. Really it's just home vs. work. I don't have an etc.

To be honest...sometimes I add stuff to my calendar to make it feel like I've been more productive than I have. And sometimes I delete stuff off my calendar when I'm stressed to make it feel like I don't have too much going on. I like it to look and feel balanced, even when life is not. I evaluate my life based on that calendar.

I find myself just staring at it today. Not knowing what I want to add, or delete. What I want summer to look like. What I want next year to look like. What I want the rest of my life to look like. Work? Kids? Travel? Study? Sleep? (it would not be unlike me to actually "schedule" sleep!)

What's next? When will it come? Will I be ready?

I want to know. And when. I want to anticipate and plan and prepare. I want to jump ahead. But today I resist. Has this recent trial taught me patience? I trait I could no more comprehend than exude prior to the waiting I was forced to do this past month? Lord, I pray it is so. I pray You have taught and I have learned the art of living in the present facilitated by patience. I pray that I see my calendar as you see it. A little dot on the line of eternity. Beginning farther back than I can imagine and moving day by day towards You.

Heaven or Hell?

I've always thought of hell as a really hot place. Like really hot. Hotter than Houston in the summer. Hot enough to fry not just eggs, but entire chickens on the sidewalk hot. Melt your shoes hot. 115 degrees hot? Maybe. That's how hot it was in Palm Desert this weekend....but low and behold, it felt like a little piece of heaven. This weekend I spent 24 glorious hours sweating out the anger, sadness, uncertainty and confusion of the last month. I was surrounded by the healing presence of girl friends, cacti and Texas sheet cake*. I enjoyed dips in the pool, quite time in the perfect chenille upholstered chair and uninterrupted conversations about everything from shampoo (see sevastyle.com for more information) to Senator Obama. Ok, not much talk about Obama...but everyone else is talking about him, right?

This weekend was heaven my friends....pure heaven.

*Texas Sheet Cake

Cake:
1 cup butter
1 cup water
1/4 cup cocoa
2 cups sugar
2 cups flour
1/8 teaspoon salt
2 eggs
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 cup sour cream
1 teaspoon vanilla
Frosting (see below)
chopped pecans

Frosting:
1/2 cup butter
1/4 cup cocoa
1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons milk
1 box (1 pound) confectioners' sugar, sifted (4 1/4 cups sifted)
1/2 teaspoon vanilla

Cake: Combine butter, water, and cocoa in saucepan over medium heat; heat until butter melts. Add sugar, flour, salt, eggs, soda, sour cream, and vanilla; mix well. Pour into a 15x10x1-inch jelly roll pan. Bake at 350° for 20 minutes. Spread frosting over hot cake and sprinkle with chopped pecans.

For frosting, combine butter, cocoa, and milk in a saucepan; bring to a boil. Add remaining ingredients and mix well with electric mixer. Spread over the hot sheet cake then sprinkle with chopped pecans.

(Cheese) Biscuits and (sausage) gravy

The original title for this post was "Apples and peanut butter." Clearly my day started better than it ended. It is only 7:30 pm....so you'd think there'd still time for it to turn around, but unfortunately (for my messy house...and my husband) I've gotten into the habit of collapsing on the couch as soon as my son goes to bed around 7:00 (ie....he's still in his crib "fussing"..."screaming"....what's the difference?) and taking a little hour to two hour nap, waking up, getting ready for bed, and going back to sleep.

I'm tired (and hungry...but we'll get to that). I'm tired, because I'm pregnant. And I'm sad because I've been told by my doctor that the pregnancy is not viable based on the baby's size and very slow heartbeat. So I'm tired. Which is totally normal for someone 10 weeks pregnant. But considering I've been told that I won't be delivering a baby in 6 months, tired feels lazy. It feels depressed. It feels like I'm selfish (laying on the couch on Father's day) and not very fun for my son. Like I'm not a good mom with one child...why would I be entrusted with a second? I know this is crazy hormonal, grieving Lindsay talking. And I don't particularly like what she has to say. But she's STILL talking. So....I will shut her up.

Enter....comfort food. My husband likes to refer to it as discomfort food b/c "technically" I'm lactose intolerant and there is a little bit of dairy in (cheese) biscuits and (sausage) gravy...with butter on top...butter before the gravy which is really on top. I'm serious. Very serious. And it might make me feel not great in the morning. Update: I have eaten all the biscuits and gravy. And I think I offered some to my husband. Nice Father's day dinner. And I ate it all. And he doesn't know yet. Should I make more? HURRY....tell me!!!!! No time. Too tired.

This entry started as a tribute to an afternoon ritual with my mom that always seemed to make everything better. Apples and peanut butter snacks. She'd cut (I don't have the patience for coring and cutting apples) and I'd scoop out peanut butter and we'd eat and talk. "How was your day?" "What's for dinner?" "Can I go to Courtney's?" You know, the basics.

Right now....I want to be in HER kitchen, asking THOSE questions. Instead of in my kitchen (already feeling a little sick) asking "why am I having another miscarriage?" "when will this be over?" "will we have another baby?" "when will I feel normal again?" "is there something wrong with me?"

I do know Jesus...

but how would you know that? not from the faith, hope and love ring that i use to wear, but took off years ago, or the cross around my neck....where did that cross go? ...i think an ex-boyfriend gave that to me. is it in the ex-boyfriend box? do i still have an ex-boyfriend box? SHOULD i still have an ex-boyfriend box full of horrible tarnished cheap silver jewlery? definitely not. note to self: find and dispose of ex-boyfriend box. where was i? oh....do you know that i know Jesus? do you see it in how i spend my time (watching too much worthless TV instead of telling people about Jesus or even spending time with Jesus), or how i spend my money (where does the money go?). do you see it in the fear? in the worry? in the anxiety? do you hear it in my conversations? my relationships?

maybe you see it in my eyes? the little glimmer...of hope? the little bit of hope that i wish was so much bigger, the hope of Jesus that fills my soul? i hope you know...do you know...Jesus?

To my loyal readers (Jodie)

thank you for encouraging me to write and share the (often crazy) thoughts and ideas that come and go through my mind each day. don't worry....i won't be posting something every day. how would you ever keep up with your blog stalking?!?!

i am not determining a format or theme, identifying any off limit topics, or making any promises to write from now until (i am old and wise) the end of time...i'm just emptying my brain today. and we'll see what tomorrow brings.

love you!

linds

You look like you need a drink

I just keep learning new things... here in my 30s. Thought I had figured out the recipe for a happy life years ago. But low and behold, another 'how did I survive before this?' moment this afternoon.

Wine Clubs. Seriously? Seriously.

Unexpected knock at the door. The energy it takes to get off the couch (what are you doing on the couch again during your son's nap time? aren't there things to be done?!?!?!) , reminds you that you have no energy. But you press on to unfold the mystery of real estate solicitor (I know they are desperate for work these days... but please... no more flyers reminding me my house is not worth what I paid for it) or a high school kid selling candy. Mmmmmm.... chocolate sounds good. But to your surprise, a well dressed, nice looking UPS guy with a box. Sooooo much better!!! unfold mystery, unfold! signature required? Must be good. Am I 21 years old he asks? Seriously? Fabulous. I sign on the dotted line and pretend I'm 18.... my heart races. I know exactly what's inside. A little something that will complete dinner and my day. A glass (1/2 bottle) of cab that takes me back to Napa. Thank you Alpha Omega Winery. Did I look like I needed a drink?