Is that a word? I hope so, b/c I think it might be my special purpose. I spend (mmm....not feeling like I should tell you exactly how much time....that could be spent actually doing something instead of just planning for it) a lot of time looking at, updating, editing, and organizing my calendar. It's all electronic. Thank goodness b/c I hate my handwriting. I can add, edit, delete; parties, appointments, reminders...and it all looks so pretty! It's even color coded for different parts of life....home, work, etc. Really it's just home vs. work. I don't have an etc.
To be honest...sometimes I add stuff to my calendar to make it feel like I've been more productive than I have. And sometimes I delete stuff off my calendar when I'm stressed to make it feel like I don't have too much going on. I like it to look and feel balanced, even when life is not. I evaluate my life based on that calendar.
I find myself just staring at it today. Not knowing what I want to add, or delete. What I want summer to look like. What I want next year to look like. What I want the rest of my life to look like. Work? Kids? Travel? Study? Sleep? (it would not be unlike me to actually "schedule" sleep!)
What's next? When will it come? Will I be ready?
I want to know. And when. I want to anticipate and plan and prepare. I want to jump ahead. But today I resist. Has this recent trial taught me patience? I trait I could no more comprehend than exude prior to the waiting I was forced to do this past month? Lord, I pray it is so. I pray You have taught and I have learned the art of living in the present facilitated by patience. I pray that I see my calendar as you see it. A little dot on the line of eternity. Beginning farther back than I can imagine and moving day by day towards You.
June 23, 2008
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