holiday curse

darn the holiday curse. ben has a NASTY cold and will not be trick or treating tonight.

everyone is happy and i have clean floors

ben is a high energy kid. like non-stop morning to night. there is no slow wake up, easing into the day. he is usually jumping up and down in his crib shouting, "I'm awake, I'm awake! Mommy it's wake up time!" the instant he wakes up. and from that moment until the sun goes down, i am looking for activities to channel that energy...and trying to keep up with him.

he loves projects. helping around the house. and all yard work. and wants to do it all by himself. "i do it. i do it. i do it all by myself!" and i think he is just now old enough to actually be helpful with these chores.....or "super fun home activities" we'll call them. for instance he oiled all the wooden furniture in the house this week with old english wipes. i'm totally serious. (i should disclose that i gave him the choice of nap time or oiling furniture and in an effort to avoid sleep forever, he choose oiling furniture!) and learned the difference between wood, leather, and fabric. he also wiped his face with an old english wipe. maybe i should have called poison control? that's not the point of this post.

most recently i have discovered that ben LOVES to mop the floor. for real. cries if i am mopping and won't let him help. and he is it actually really good at it. he can see where he's mopped b/c it's wet, and just wanders around the kitchen and living room looking for dry spots to mop.

and when i'm having a bad day. and high energy ben is driving me crazy. we get out the mop. he expels some of his energy. my floor is clean. and EVERYONE is happy! really really happy.

i am actually thinking of making a good old fashions chores chart for us. so we have something planned to do in the mornings while lyle is napping a few days a week. don't get me wrong....the kid likes to color and make play dough pancakes, but he loves big grown up activities and "projects!"

facing my fears and finding balance

I struggle with anxiety. I live with anxiety. I wake up with anxiety. And sometimes I go to sleep with anxiety. It is with me through out the day. Sometimes very quiet. Sometimes screaming "you can't do that!" so loud my heart beats to the voice.

I know that stress causes anxiety for me. And that my old job was very stressful. And when I left that job, and then stopped working last year, I thought that stress was gone forever if I wanted it to be. I could control it. But I am learning that this anxiety creating stress can manifest it self in this life I have longed for. This life of raising kids and running errands. Of play dates and afternoon naps. This life that seems so blissful and not stressful. If I let it.

I am feeling overwhelmed right now. Overwhelmed with Ben's recent potty issues at school. With little Lyle's desire to snuggle with me all night long. With my desire to be a loving wife, patient mom, selfless niece, and intentional daughter...while worshiping God, nurturing friendships, working out and making lunches (that's just the reality folks!) There is rarely "dinner on the table" at night. It is usually just dinner on Ben's high chair tray and me eating misc. left overs standing at the kitchen counter, running back and forth between Ben and Lyle. (it should be noted that when Ben eats at his table instead of his highchair I tell him 1,000 times to sit down and not stand up when he is eating. And I am usually standing up eating when I tell him this. Awesome. He has not boldly called me out on my hypocrisy. But I'm sure it's only a matter of time. And yes, I had to spell check that word 10 times to get it right.). And those expectations I put on myself cause stress. The "how I should be doing it" is with me too often, as a source of discouragement.

I have had a few minor anxiety attacks the last month. While in a crowded place. Driving on the freeway. In a group meeting. Places that use to haunt me, but that I have been generally comfortable in in the last two years. And after thinking about it, I see this stress I have allowed to creep in to my life.

I need to be reminded. Reminded of God. Of love. And that perfect love drives out fear. Greg has been a manifestation of perfect love for me. And he has literally helped drive out that fear. But God. God is love. And there is no fear in love. 1 John 4:18.

baby camo?

I have a few hand me downs for Lyle made of cotton camo fabric. This look is so common. And they are the perfect size. Great for PJs. But I shutter when I put them on him. I immediately think of him, as a grown boy, and the possibility of him having to serve our country as a solider in war. And the thought frightens me. He is so little. And has so much ahead of him. But this thought feels so out of my hands. Out of control. Then I am flooded with guilt of not wanting my boys to fight for the freedom that I love. Of wanting to hold them and protect them from all painful realities of living in a fallen world.

My father begrudgingly enlisted in the Marine reserves during Vietnam, but never left California. And my grandfather served in the Coast Guard during WWII....and never left California. I do not know the realities of having loved ones in the military. In harms way. But I do cry uncontrollable (at the gym) when I catch news segments of fallen soldiers. I think of their families. Their moms. And wives. And kids. And it hurts my heart. But war, and death are a reality. We have been at war for 8 years. 8 years. And I rarely think about it. Because it is not close to me. Except when the thought is close to me. And Lyle is close to me. Wearing his camo.

he did it!

lyle (cakes) - as we call him...rolled over today! and we all missed it. ben was eating dinner, greg and i were pretending to eat with ben but were really watching the Texas game on streaming video on the computer kitchen and i looked over and there he was on his tummy. oh they grow up so fast. we love you lylecakes!!!

train week

My parents are in town visiting so I thought yesterday would be a good day (with two extra sets of helping hands!) to take the Surfliner down to San Juan Capistrano. It was a quick trip down, lunch and back, but SOOOO fun. We started at the Irvine station...and San Juan is the first stop. So the ride was a little to short. And note to readers: DO NOT BRING A STOLLER ON THE TRAIN. Way too much hassle. In the way. No where to put it. You should travel like you are flying. Strategic minimalist next time. And a longer trip.

Anyone want to take the kids to San Diego for the day?!?!

ps....the rest of the week i am just going to let ben watch hours and hours of Thomas the Train everyday. Yay!

update on airplane week...

taking ben to the airport to SEE the airplanes and not letting him go on an airplane was a BAD idea. LOTS of tears. begging to go on the airplane. wanting to go on the airplane. NOW. "i want to go on the airplane NOW!" his new favorite adjective. the fact that he uses adjectives just cracks me up. "mom, i'm REALLY awake." really? REALLY? awesome.

are you happy now mom?

on occasion (...daily) when Ben is whining or just generally grumpy, I ask him to go to his room to find his happy face. i think this started with good intentions. there was probably a long speech about it's ok to be sad and sometimes when we are sad we just need to be sad....in our room....not in mommy's kitchen. (i'm sure Ben is already emotionally scarred) which turned into finding your happy face. and going to your room to find your happy face. so when ben is upset about something (that i think is silly....which as i type makes me think that i am not supporting his feelings which is probably wrong) that i do think is worthy of being upset about. ie....he asked for a blue cup so i give him a blue cup then he changes his mind and wants a green cup and i don't give him the green cup and he falls apart. so i tell him he can have his lunch, or what ever he is waiting for next if he stops crying. and he quickly smiles through his tears and proclaims, "i'm happy!" it's adorable. and painful all at the same time. he is only two, but i think we need to start talking about emotions other than happy and sad.

anyway....he often asks me if i am happy. or sad. which is sweet.

unless it is when i have just asked him to do something (throw his dishes in the sink) and he does it then turns to me and asks, "are you happy now?"

"are you happy now?!?!"

there are a couple thoughts that struck me when he said this yesterday.

does he think my happiness (or love for him) is totally performance based?!?! this is something i struggled with in relationships for a long time. probably still do. like, i love you more when you do nice things for me. oh, it's so ugly to think about. but that really is how my heart is sometimes. so wrong. not good. God....be good in my heart please. and i don't want ben for one second to think that i love him more on days when he is nice and good. but i do. that is HORRIBLE. maybe it's not love that i'm feeling. it's happiness. or like. but anyway....no performanced based andything in our house. In the name of Jesus we are saved by GRACE, not WORKS!

and second....did i sense a bit of sarcasm in his voice?!??! "Mom....are you happy now?" really? really? you now what that would sound like. and coming from my two year old. have mercy.

Week #2....airplane week

My parents are coming to visit this week. And Greg and I are both traveling. So there will be several airport trips. Maybe some airplane books from the library....I don't think we have any. Paper airplanes.....do I even still know how to make those?!?! And coloring airplane pictures.

sometimes I....

sometimes feel misunderstood
sometimes i wish i focused on others more
sometimes i spend too much time worrying what i look like
sometimes i still want my dad to think i am smart
sometimes i get claustrophobic in large spaces
sometimes i want what others have
sometimes i am blown away by what God has provided for me
sometimes ben makes me laugh...at 6 in the morning
sometimes i want to run away...and run back tomorrow

mac and cheese

i secretly indulge in kids favorites on occasion. i have confessed my donut love many times, but also....mac and cheese. i'm totally guilty of giving ben his little serving, then proceeding to throw down the rest of the box. but last week...all out of kraft (i ditched annie's a while ago b/c let's be honest....it's not the cheesiest!) i managed to pull together most of the ingredients to make home made mac and cheese according to ina garten. and God bless her. it was amazing! we're never going back.

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/ina-garten/mac-and-cheese-recipe2/index.html

do not.....

use the spanking spoon to cook with. it might be dirty when you need it.

Theme week #1 - Gardening

Thanks to a good friends' inspiring example (shared with me via her husband via my husband...wait....there is probably no chance any of the facts or details were accurately communicated through two men....on the other hand....Greg and Dano are the two most detail oriented, thoughtful guys I know...so I will take it for fact.) we are starting theme weeks around here. My attempt to give us all (mainly the little boys and I) direction as we go about our days and activities. So we have some intentional learning through experiences each week. I figure if I think about the many teaching opportunities I have each day ahead of time I am more likely to present it in some sort of profound manor. And tie it all back to God.

This first week is Gardening week. It started Sunday with Greg and Ben planting several succulents in the back yard. They dug up old roots. Transplanted plants, watered, rested, dug some more, cleaned up all their tools and celebrated a job well done.

Monday morning, I let Ben play with Greg's Western Gardening book. Hoping he would mark his favorite pages with stickers that we could then go to the nursery and find the plants he'd marked. But he is two. And most of the stickers ended up on his head. So a friend and I took our (FOUR) boys to the nursery so they could see where we buy plants. They each picked out four herbs and we took them home and planted them. For some reason this activity was not as fun with mom as it was with dad. Hmmmmm. Regardless. Herbs planted and a little over watered. Hope they survive. We talked about God creating the plants. And giving them water through rain when they were thirsty. And sometimes we give them water also. But we are not God. (a hard reality...that is even harder to explain to a 2 year old. So I didn't.) And helping them grow with light from the sun. So we can eat them. This is one of the many ways God provides for us because he loves us.

Using the herbs to make dinner tonight.

And going to a pumpkin farm Friday. We'll see how it all goes.

Some other themes we are going to do this fall:
Photography week. (Ben LOVES taking pictures)
Zoo week.
Cooking week.
Art week.
Sports week.
Cleaning week. (just kidding....maybe)
Mail week.
Beach and ocean week.
Garbage week. What is it with kids and the garbage truck? They LOVE it.

Do you have any other ideas? Please post a comment!

the absent blogger

friends...did you give up on me? remove my blog from your bookmark menu? start following 10 strangers' blogs instead?

hope not.

i am back.

and i am 33.

that is still setting in.

raising two boys is tiring.

and facilitating a study.

and participating in a parenting class.

that has really just opened my eyes to a lot of issues that i need to deal with.

in order to deal with my children in the way that i want to.

and that i think God wants me to.

in love.

not anger.

this week there has been a lot of anger.

how can i get so frustrated (not a biblical emotion...so read: angry) at this face?














and how can holding this little love be tiring?