are you happy now mom?

on occasion (...daily) when Ben is whining or just generally grumpy, I ask him to go to his room to find his happy face. i think this started with good intentions. there was probably a long speech about it's ok to be sad and sometimes when we are sad we just need to be sad....in our room....not in mommy's kitchen. (i'm sure Ben is already emotionally scarred) which turned into finding your happy face. and going to your room to find your happy face. so when ben is upset about something (that i think is silly....which as i type makes me think that i am not supporting his feelings which is probably wrong) that i do think is worthy of being upset about. ie....he asked for a blue cup so i give him a blue cup then he changes his mind and wants a green cup and i don't give him the green cup and he falls apart. so i tell him he can have his lunch, or what ever he is waiting for next if he stops crying. and he quickly smiles through his tears and proclaims, "i'm happy!" it's adorable. and painful all at the same time. he is only two, but i think we need to start talking about emotions other than happy and sad.

anyway....he often asks me if i am happy. or sad. which is sweet.

unless it is when i have just asked him to do something (throw his dishes in the sink) and he does it then turns to me and asks, "are you happy now?"

"are you happy now?!?!"

there are a couple thoughts that struck me when he said this yesterday.

does he think my happiness (or love for him) is totally performance based?!?! this is something i struggled with in relationships for a long time. probably still do. like, i love you more when you do nice things for me. oh, it's so ugly to think about. but that really is how my heart is sometimes. so wrong. not good. God....be good in my heart please. and i don't want ben for one second to think that i love him more on days when he is nice and good. but i do. that is HORRIBLE. maybe it's not love that i'm feeling. it's happiness. or like. but anyway....no performanced based andything in our house. In the name of Jesus we are saved by GRACE, not WORKS!

and second....did i sense a bit of sarcasm in his voice?!??! "Mom....are you happy now?" really? really? you now what that would sound like. and coming from my two year old. have mercy.