be not afraid...

ever since i was a child, i remember being afraid. afraid of being alone. afraid of being hurt. afraid of being lost. afraid of being attacked. afraid of being confined. afraid of dying. or the minutes right before. afraid of losing control. or going crazy. afraid of passing out in public. there are so many other fears i can not list them all. about 4 years ago, these fears manifested themselves into changes in behavior that started affecting my daily life. they stopped me in my tracks. i was afraid to drive on the freeway. somedays afraid to drive at all. afraid to stand in line at the grocery store if there was more than one person behind me. afraid to sit in church except in the back row. afraid to be alone at night. afraid to be in groups of more than a couple people.

the height of these fears coincided with (and directly related to) my first year of marriage, moving to a new apartment, my new husband leaving his job and looking for a new one for 6 months while waiting tables (afraid i was going to have to support our family forever), me taking a promotion that i wasn't quite ready for (afraid of failure), too much travel for my comfort (afraid of getting sick on a plane), and a million other simultaneous transitions like with living with a BOY! all super exciting fun times, but a bit overwhelming when experienced all at once.

with a little help, i was able to identified and label all of these thoughts and irrational fears as anxiety. surprisingly i felt great freedom by just acknowledging it as such. because it wasn't this unknown thing that could swallow me whole. it was something that many, many people live with and succeed in life with. it was something that books were written about and therapists focused on. something that i could talk about. and after tonight i am now thinking that i should have actually read the books and talked to the therapists.

it's been a long time since i have had a full blown anxiety attack. since before i was pregnant with ben. it is as if my body knew that as soon as i got pregnant, i was responsible for another person. and i didn't have time to worry about myself. and all these crazy fears.

but tonight...i was alone. and afriad. on the freeway. it was dark, and i was driving home from a meeting in hollywood. and my heart started racing. it was consuming me. and i could not get away. the cars were coming at me from all directions. so fast. i called greg. and pulled over. and tried to breathe. and i kept thinking why is this happening? i thought i was past this? how am i going to get home. i can't do this. talking to greg helped. i started telling him about my meetings, which got my mind off the fact that i was in the middle of shaddyville off the 5 freeway.

i don't know why i am writing this. i have no clarity. and i feel like i'm hung over.

Lord...you tell us so many times in the bible not to fear. Why am I afriad?