jumping

day 5....

i think i can i think i can i think i can.

would be doing a little better if BOTH boys weren't still sick. green snot everywhere. coughing....all night long. i was so tired i couldn't tell who was coughing so i just laid in bed and listened. they both survived the night. i almost didn't. b/c lyle was awake from 3-4 and did i mention that I'M TIRED?!?!?!?

green snot....which means we're banned from places like school, church and the gym. and all my other happy places. except disneyland of course. b/c we don't know those people and they don't know where i live if my kids get their kids sick. kidding. sort of. i promise i sanitized ben's hands 1,000 times while we were there friday. and lyle keeps his cough to his little space.

a friend is coming to watch the kids this morning so i can go to church. so i can worship God. calm my spirit. and hopefully not discipline in anger (any more than i already have this weekend).

just so you are not afraid for my children. i have implemented mommy time outs. and ben got some new movies at the library so he doesn't really care if i leave the room for 33 minutes. (you know....a minute for every year old i am).

cont...12 minute nap (for me) then ben peed on carpet in his room. are you freaking kidding me?

day 4....i can crawl

not making this week any easier....lyle is now mobile. my little mobile mini-me. but we are still having big fun.

day 3....go big or go home

i don't know where that phrase comes from. but we went big today. another effort to give my children stimulating and engaging life experiences...er.....survive this week.

day 2

12:01 a.m. lyle coughing
12:25 ben coughing
1:32 lyle coughing
2:05 am....ben....pooped in his pull up. and when i say pooped, i mean couldn't make it to the toilet sleepy diarrhea. yes. i said it. because yes. i had to clean it up. new jammies. load of laundry.
3:15 back to sleep.
3:30 lyle coughing
4:45 lyle awake. paci. back to sleep.
5:45 everyone awake
6:30 breakfast, pour coffee, burn toast,
7:30 take first sip of coffee

bible study.

12:30 home
12:35 ben coughing so hard he threw up. all over both of us.

shower.

dr.

inhaler. singular. praying for sleep.

day 1 cont....

in case you were starting to feel sorry for me after the last post....i was just informed by my temporary live in nanny (G. Dorie) that her assistant (Auntie) is bringing us dinner tonight.

maybe it won't be so rough around here this week.

day 1

greg left for a guys ski trip today. followed by a work trip. and another work trip. he will be gone longer than....i would like.

the panic set in last night. i didn't cry (in front of him). or ask him not to go (in so many words). or book a flight to go with him (fortunately for him there were none available when i looked last night). b/c people....i would have gone!

and when he left, ben cried. i hadn't really told him greg was leaving until this morning. casually mentioned colorado...he'll be back soon....well. ben didn't miss a word of it and as soon as greg got in the car ben started screaming, "i want to go to colorado. i want to go to colorado." eventually the tears stopped (for both of us). lyle woke up. and i decided we needed an out of the ordinary activity to get us through day 1. so we went to pretend city in irvine. LOVE IT. so fun and manageable with both kids. we packed lunches. played in all the different stores, studios, marinas, stations, etc. a few of ben's favorites:





























































it should be noted that everytime ben bumped into something today, fell, blinked too hard, lost focus on fun, etc.....he started crying, "I WANT MY DADDY!!!". thanks for the reminder sweetheart.

it should also be noted (under my "parenting failures" log) that less than an hour after greg left i panicked....again....and revealed to ben the DVD player in the car. i have had this car for 5 months. and didn't even really pick it out. it came to me as a gift....and had a dvd player. that i swore i'd never tell ben about. or maybe only on a really long road trip. driving to irvine is considered a "road trip".....right? that's what i thought.

and the winner is.....

TRACY! I will bring your prize to church Sunday.

things ben said yesterday

lyle is sitting next to me. i will protect him. (at breakfast)

that sounds good and delicious. (in response to the news that we were having hamburgers for lunch).

when snow melts it's water. there's water in there. that happens sometimes. (where did he learn that in Southern California?!?!)

and lyle one arm crawled to get something he wanted several times last night. and he also cried when ben (trying to encourage him) yelled and clapped in his face SO loud!

PTTD and PTSD

Sadly, we are still recovering from PTTD (Post Traumatic Travel Disorder) from the holidays. Please feel free to use this term until I have it trademarked....soon.

There have been some sleepless nights, early mornings, and countless desperate requests to sleep in our bed. I am exhausted. Additionally, when lamenting Ben's crazy behavior as of late, just about everyone gives a head tilt and explains it's probably just PTTD. Though they don't use those words. But they will now. When I publish a book on it. And more importantly, how to recover from it.

I do struggle with making choices that ideally lead to my kids health and happiness...and salvation. Or salvation....then health and happiness. And travel does not seem to lead to their immediate health or happiness. When I am yelling at them to buckle their seat belts on the plane...no one is happy. (no....I do not yell at Lyle. but I do ask him 'why the freak his is awake at 2:30 am and will not go back to sleep' in a loud voice sometimes).

I don't like (my whole body tightens with stress and anxiety) to put my kids in situations where they're not healthy food options and comfy, quiet sleep spots when nap time and night time arrive. i just think it's mean. if i am really tired. and someone asks me to sleep in a room full of people. in an uncomfortable spot. i'd be annoyed. so i try to spare my kids that. which makes travel difficult all around.

but there are moments, when everyone is happy and enjoying the bliss of new places and people we don't see often enough...that makes it worth it. i think.

PTSD....in a separate post.

tonight...

ben: she's a beautiful woman
me: that's Pocahontas Ben
ben: mom....you're a beautiful woman too
me....melting.

i wanted the experiment to fail.....

today we experimented with no nap for ben. he's been staying up later and later and waking up earlier and earlier. ie....TO LATE AND TOO EARLY! so today i let him forgo his nap in lieu of snacks and really what ever he wanted to do this afternoon. i didn't even make him stay in his room b/c i had a feeling he'd fall asleep. so he stayed up. played happy all afternoon. i have been fearing this experiment. but it really was ok. lyle took a late afternoon nap so ben and i had some one on one time, made pretend dinner, played in the tub (just ben!). i felt we really had a connection. i think i am falling in love with him. he got a little crabby at 6:30 and was ASLEEP at 7:00. serious business.

so.....it's nice having all little people asleep at a decent hour. so far i have made two mac photo books, eaten dinner, sewn a few crafts and....blogged. whatever will i do with all this time at night?!?!

ps. a PRIZE for who ever can identify all the horrible bachelor references in this e-mail. i admit. i am totally watching this season and not proud of it. i am just a sucker for love. no matter how annoying it is.

pss....this contest is really just a way for me to see if i have any readers. please post a comment....readers. :)

like a mother bird?

this morning, before giving ben his banana at breakfast, i took a bite.

he freaked out. big time. tears. hysteria. anger. red face. on the ground. saying he wanted that piece. and i took it. and he wanted it.

i couldn't believe it. was so baffled. and could hardly take his tantrum over a banana seriously.

so i did what any mommy bird would have done. i spit out the chewed up banana into my hand and gave it to him.

and he ate it.

gross.

i think he was just trying to prove a point.

i don't know what his point was.

my heart hurts

last night ben told me he didn't love me.

but i'm pretty sure that this morning, as soon as he realized that i'd bought him honey nut cheerios (special treat....called "mama was grocery shopping hungry) at the market, all the love returned.

before you start telling your friends...

about (this righteous blogger you know) flash light night, you should be reminded that i am REALLY good at starting new.....projects...or life purposes (is there a job that will channel this energy?).....and losing steam after a couple weeks. i'm sure there is an exact number of days, hours and minutes that i usually stay focused but i have not taken the time to track this. but here are some recent examples of this behavior exhibit a exhibit b

i've known this about myself for a long time.

when i accepted Christ as a teen, i was naive...and optimistic. i gave Jesus my all for several years. and sure there were ups and downs in my quest for righteousness, but no moral failures that i was embarrassed to tell my accountability group about. until college. i fell. and fell hard. i fell for the promise of love. for temptation. for escape. i fell in my heart before getting out of bed in the morning. i fell again on my way to class. i fell all day long. time after time. and the moral hole i was in was deep. i was unable to stand on my own two feet and was too prideful to ask God to get me out. and i wasn't sure He would want to. i mean...this was MY life, and wasn't there some expectation that I would live the way God wanted ME to live? that i was to hold up my end of the deal?

needless to say, there was a point of desperation at which time the devil said, "i knew you couldn't do it." meaning, there is no way, if left to your own devices, that you would be able to fight the good fight, run the race....the rest of your live. i believed that there was a less than 1% chance that i would grow old as a disciple of Jesus. i just didn't have it in me. desperation led to depression. which led me to a book by Martyn Lloyd-Jones titled: Spiritual Depression. it changed my life. Martyn Lloyd-Jones states that the cause of spiritual depression is unbelief. unbelief that God is who He says He is and will do what He says He will do....which is to complete the work He began in us (Phil 1:6)

we are to know WHY we are Christians and be ready to give an answer to anyone who asks (1 Peter 3:15) what we believe. he encourages Christians to talk to themselves. to remind themselves of what they know. of what God promises. to seek the truth. commit to it. say, "'i want the truth, whatever it costs me." bind yourself to it, submit yourself to it, come to utter submission as a little child and plead with Him to give you clear sight, perfect vision (of Him), and to make you whole. And has you do so it is my (lloyd-jones) privilege to remind you that He can do it. Yea, more, I promise you in His Blessed Name that He will do it. He never leaves anything incomplete.

this is what i know:

...while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8)
Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the worst (1 Timothy 1:15)
He came that we might see clearly, that we might know God. He came to give eternal life and 'This is eternal life, that they may know Thee only true God and Jesus Christ whom thou hast sent" (p 48)
I am forgiven, I am reconciled to God by the Blood of His Son upon the cross. I am a child of God. I am adopted into God's family, and I am an heir with Christ, a joint-heir with Him. I am going to glory. I am what I am by the grace of God. (p 86)
I want to be happy. But more still, I want to be righteous, I want to be holy. I want to be like my Lord, I want to live in this world as He lived, I want to walk through it as He walked through it. (p 117)
Not what we have been, not what we have done, but the grace of God in Jesus Christ our Lord. The Christian life starts with grace, it must continue with grace, it ends with grace. Grace, wondrous grace. 'By the grace of God I am what I am.' 'Yet not I, but grace of God which was with me.' (p 132)
For I am persuaded that neither death, not life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor power, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:38, 39)

and finally...when i am weary:

How did you get into this Christian life? Here we are in the narrow way, how did we come from the broad way? What as made the difference? These are the questions, and there is only one answer. We have come from that to this, because the only begotten Son of God left heaven and came down t o earth for our salvation, He divested Himself of all he insignia of His eternal glory and humbled himself to be born as a babe and to be placed in a manger. He endured the life of the world for thirty-three years: He was spat upon and reviled. He had thorns thrust into His head and was nailed to a cross, to bear the punishment of my sin. That is how I have come from that to this, and if I ever, even for a fraction of a second, question the greatness and the glory and the wonder and the nobility of this walk in which I am engaged, well then I am spitting upon Him. ....Look at the world and in its evil and sin, look at the hell to which it was leading you, and then look forward and realize that you are set in the midst of the most glorious campaign into which a man could ever enter, and that you are on the noblest road that the world has ever known. (p 200)

'God is in this and God is doing this to me because I am His child, because I do not belong to the world, because He sent His son to die for me and has destined me for heaven. God is in this, and it is all being done for my good.' (p 253)

i could go on. i could type this entire book for you. but my fingers would fall off and i think that's illegal. so if any of this resonates with you....just buy it. read it. love it.

flash light night

this evening ben found a flash light in the garage. not a dinky little plastic one. but a full fledged- could-knock-someone-out-if-used-as-self-defense-metal-flash-light. and it worked. a rare battery miracle. he went from room to room turning off lights and shining his new light all over the house.

and in the dark...while trying to bathe lyle with the occasional help from ben's light, i had several thoughts:

it is dark in haiti tonight.
very dark.
and even before the tragedy of the earthquake tuesday...
it was probably dark in many houses in haiti at night

i have been acutely aware of the excess in my life today. every minute it is glaring at me. everytime i turn around. or turn something on. the food and clothes and beds and warm water. it's everywhere. and i want less of it. less of the stuff. that i spend so much time coveting and cleaning and organizing and throwing away. not just the excess of stuff. but the excess of waste. i can't possibly put it all to good use so i store it or donate it or (please forgive me!) throw it away. like pizza crust. i don't like it and i don' eat it. but really? it's FOOD! and people in haiti need FOOD! (tonight i ate it).

so we prayed tonight that God would open our eyes to what we don't need. and help us to give it to those that do. to create a life with less stuff. and more....light (Jesus).

and we are going to start having flash light nights. with some regularity. where we do not use electricity after the sun goes down. we are going to make dinner, get ready for bed, with the light from our flashlight. and talk to the kids about the reality that many people live with every day

...until the kids go to bed at which time greg and i will turn on all the lights, make a warm dinner and watch tv. just kidding. maybe.

on a side note, ben is now trying to either break his door down or break out of his room....flash light is going to time out.

who they are outside the house

sadly, just got my first "negative" report on ben from his teacher today. she said he was a little defiant. i almost laughed as she so gently presented this information to me like it was earth shattering. b/c....well....ben IS defiant. a lot. at home. and we do not take this behavior lightly. greg and i are pretty good (if i must say so) as addressing disobedience so ben knows that it is not acceptable. we talk a lot about loving others and what that looks like, including loving (and obeying) God and loving (and obeying) mom and dad. and we lovingly discipline him and desperately try to show him the love of God in all aspects of life. and pray for his sweet soul.

and until now, he saved most of his defiance for us. which is exhausting and frustrating. but made me think that all of our diligence at home resulted in good behavior with others which made me proud.

all this to say....it was only a matter of time before he felt comfortable enough at school with his teach and his friends to start pressing the limits.

so in the car, before we left the parking lot, we prayed and asked God to forgive him for not obeying Miss Nicole today.

and then on the way home, ben declared that he was "frustrated" and did not want to obey. ever. and that spankings do not help him obey (insightful).

grass helps him obey. really? grass?

emotional trama?

i think ben's stuffed animals are struggling with depression. they cry a lot. at least once a day ben tells me that horsey is crying. and he's sad. when i probe it's usually something like, "he's sad because he didn't get ice cream" or "he's crying because he fell."

surely there is something there....right? ben is finally processing the reality of Lyle? of me not having as much patience as i could? of the abundance of (pregnancy craving) junk food no longer in the house?

i am scheduling a session with the animals and will let you know if we have a break through.

snap shots from our trip
south texas












ben trying to nap in the car....he put his blanket on his head. hilarious.





























texas fight












rudy's bbq





















horsey got a new ride at nana and pop t's house












vegas airport on Christmas day.











thank you elmo...for entertaining Ben.













at the game








new playscape in the garage

all is quiet on the western front

it is quiet. in my house. and i don't even know where to start...picking up the pieces from the last three weeks.

unpack the mystery suit case that i just shoved in the garage minutes before greg's family showed up last week?

rid my pantry of all holiday food that i never buy but will binge on all week if it's in there?

write thank you notes?

colon cleanse?

take a nap?

go to napa?

try to figure out where greg put all the extra sheets and pillows when he was tidying up last night?

call my insurance to file a claim on the accident my car was in while we were out of town? by the way, this is the 4th time in my life someone else has wrecked my car.

download pictures and make photo albums.

ok....this is turning into a to do list. i know you are all bored. i'll stop.

happy new year!!!

and texas fight. second best football game i have ever seen!

the Christmas tweet

if i was a tweeter....this is what i would have said during our 10 day trip to texas for Christmas.

December 25th.
7:00 am.
ben is running into the living room to see unwrapped presents from Santa for the first time.
i should make breakfast for my family....right? even though we are leaving for the airport in 45 minutes?
eggs. beans. rice. done.
10:00 am. at the airport.
with an expired drivers license. shoot fire (SF)
lyle asked to take his shoes off at security. seriously?!?!
ben declined my offer to let him sit with strangers on the plane.
brought 4 movies and apparently the dvd player on greg's computer doesn't work. SF.
asked been not to touch anything on the plane.
hour later. told ben he can touch anything as long as he doesn't touch me.
vegas airport. awesome Christmas day.
"awesome" is ALWAYS used as sarcasm on this blog.
6:00 pm. landed. san antonio.
both kids asleep in the car.
empty stomach.
already craving sonic!!!
jumping feet first into a house full of family
8:00 pm. ben eating a fist full of fudge. and pie. SF. no way he is going to sleep.
10:00 pm. ben trying to sleep in nana and pop t's room for the first time with all the cousins.
11:00 pm. ben found reading books in the bathroom all by himself.
12:00 am. ben in bed with me.
12:01 am. ben kicking. screaming. taking his pants off. crying. lyle awake. SF
1:01 am. ben still crying. everyone in the house awake.
1:30 am. ben crying. me cursing. run into the bed frame trying to get to lyle in the dark. SF. that's going to leave a mark.

December 26th. Christmas round 2.
10:00 am. lots of presents.
more presents.
more presents.
lunch.
drive through the hill country to force a nap. sleep victory.
ben on sugar probation.
me on the other hand....binging.
ben's playing golf for the first time.
lyle as baby Jesus in the Luke 2 Christmas story.
and ben is a grumpy wise man.

December 28th.
loaded up and ready to make the drive to McAllen.
told aaron we will only need to stop once on the 4 hour drive.
forgot bottles.
forgot hot water.
forgot CDs.
making bottle.
bathroom break.
hungry.
stopped 6 times in the first 50 miles.
10 people.
3 cars.
300 miles.
ben singing 100 verses of jingle bells. mercy.
bathroom stop.
tractors.
cows.
fields.
open road and lyle lovett.
greg calmer than i have seen him in years. peace and smile on his face.
his happy place.
both kids asleep in car.
blessed conversation with my amazing husband.
get to mcallen and realize that lyle's car seat was not buckled into the car for the last 100 miles.
lots of crying. me crying. horrible pit in my stomach...thank you Lord Jesus for protecting my baby.
more crying.
overwhelmed with all the travel. and sleep strikes.
guns and video games. and sugar cereal.
i have lost control of my oldest child.
ben....LOVES guitar hero!
and cousin drew's big boy bed. and cousin drew. wants drew to "hold him" funny.
but it takes 4 adults in shifts to get him to sleep. mercy.

December 29th.
wake up to the sound of ben chanting "i want lucky charms!"
at urgent care with lyle.
ear infection.
SF. SHOOT FIRE!
shot.
meds.
better.
please Lord....sleep?
just saw Mexico from the boarder bridge.


December 30th.
tour of mcallen.
house where greg backed the car out of the driveway across the street into the neighbor's yard at age 2.
house where greg set the field on fire.
house where greg passed out in the front lawn.
coy's house. kyle's house. john's house.
party at the cousins house.
botana platters. brilliant. huge tostada / nacho platters. yum. i have to recreate this at home.
ben is in love with natasha. a friend of greg's from high school. calls her "my girl" and "my best girl". hilarious!

December 31st.
on the road again. back to the hill country.
boarder patrol.
fruit stands.
wish i'd taken more pictures of the valley. inspired by the unique culture and landscape.
sign says, "smuggling illegal aliens is a federal crime"
ben covering his head and body with his blanket for a little "alone time" in the car. hilarious. and brilliant.
mesquite trees.
cactus park.
there is a house being moved on the high way.
one stop. 300 miles. we are getting MUCH better at road tripping.

san antonio.
ben just declared that i am "disobeying" him.
and that he gave me a spanking and i am still disobeying him. awesome.
new years eve.
asleep at 10:30. thank you Lord.

January 1st.
i just inherited a fur coat. sweet.
date day and BBQ by the pound with my husband.
thank you nana and pop t.
crepes on south congress.
beer and football.
great day.
changing clothes in the bar bathroom.
feeling 21 again.
rehearsal dinner.
i think i took that guy to a wedding. what was his name?
i think i dated that guy? what was his name?
i need to get out of this town.
thankful the Lord had Greg for me! I am so blessed!

January 2nd.
date day #2!
shopping on 2nd street.
new dress for the wedding.
cappuccino and chocolate.
nap at the driskall
lisa and randy married!
the eyes of texas.
french fry bar. brilliant.
danced all night. in 4" heals. ouch!
1:00 am. call from nana. ben has a fever.
bummer. long drive home.

January 3rd.
10 days. 5 suit cases (in case you were wondering!) 2 kids. ready to go home.
both boys have fevers.
lots of tylenol.
sleep on the plane.

home.

never leaving.

ever.

i wasn't sure i was going to be able to make it though the holidays with out binge drinking....but i did surprisingly well.